The Adorable Boy is cuddled up on the couch, still in his PJs, watching some weird kids' show about how to make Christmas crafts. Moses is grumpy, huffing at me from his spot on the rug, letting me know he still hasn't been taken on a walk. I'm sipping hot tea and crossing my fingers that my lungs work better today and the boy gets over the virus that has kept him home from school.
It's a sick day in our house. A sick week...and a half, really.
We, like any family with school-age kids, have these kind of days more than we'd like. And in our old life -- our life in America -- a sick day would sometimes be enough to put our family over the edge.
As two working parents with not much community or family support nearby, Shane and I had to juggle like the balls were on fire when someone got sick. One of us would stay home in the morning with the offending child while the other went to work. Then we'd meet at the doctor's office and swap duties for the rest of the day.
I'd send kids back to school before I was 100 percent sure they were well, hoping they'd make it through the day and I could attend "important" meetings at work. If I got sick, I'd try to power through, knowing I'd need my leave time for when the kids needed me. I'd work from home while sucking on my nebulizer, pushing my poor asthmatic lungs to the brink.
We were sick A LOT in Virginia, and it's not hard to see why. We didn't take time to rest or care for ourselves, nurse ourselves back to health. Being ill was an inconvenience we didn't have time or energy for. (And frankly, when Shane would get sick, I would get mad at him because I didn't have energy to take care of him, too! Sorry, Shane :( )
We had to keep moving, keep doing what needed to be done. And the culture in that part of America -- and, most likely, the rest of the country -- expected that of us. Everyone we knew was sick, tired and too busy to worry about it. That's just...how it was.
But, we're learning, not how it has to be.
When Shane got sick with a cold a few weeks ago, his boss requested he go home and stay home. They didn't want him in the office -- or doing work -- if he wasn't feeling well.
When I got sick last week with a cold that caused my asthma to flare up, I rested on the couch for a good part of the day (a few days, actually) while the kids were in school. My good friend watched the kids for me so I could go to the doctor and pick up my prescriptions in peace. Several friends texted every day to see how I was feeling, if they could do anything to help.
When the boy got sick this week, I was home with him, of course, my attention turned toward his needs.
Our good friend down the street took the Adorable Girl to school so I could keep the boy resting at home. (My friend reported back that her daughter and the girl were "smiles and giggles and gossip" the whole walk.) The boy took his medicine, watched too many Power Rangers shows, downloaded too many tablet games and cuddled with his mama.
The school office ladies, who know me and the kids -- and every other kid in that school -- by name, sent good wishes for the boy to feel better each time I called to excuse him from class. Parents of kids in the the boy's class texted to ask where he had been, if he was OK. They let me know he was missed and checked to see if we needed help.
All this for a cold!!
The experience of being sick in this community, in our new home has been completely different than anything we experienced in the D.C. area. Weeks like this would have had me on the verge of a mental breakdown -- no jokes. I'd fight my body to start working again, so I could do all the other work people expected of me.
But what used to be a stress-fest turned into a pretty pleasant week -- and I enjoyed the extra snuggles with my boy.
So what's changed? A few things.
I'm not working for pay right now, which means my attention, my energy goes toward my family, my friends and my community in that order. Oh, and me too! Self-care isn't something I roll my eyes at anymore. It's part of my daily life and something I dedicate even more time to when I'm not feeling well.
And with me focused on our family, Shane can go to work without worrying about how the boy is feeling, if he'll need to leave work early to pick up a sick kid. It's so much less stress for him, too.
The culture is also different in New Zealand. Work and money and success are not the end-all, be-all here. At least, not for the crowd we run with.
If an employee is sick, he or she is sent home. If a worker gets hurt, on the job or not, he gets paid leave (I think about 80% of salary) until the doctor says he can go back to work. New mothers can take up to 52 weeks -- that's a whole year if you're not good at maths -- of maternity leave to care for their newborn children and themselves.
My friends here drop their jaws when I tell them I went back to full-time work when the boy was just 10 weeks old. In D.C., I might have used that as a bragging point to show how dedicated I was, how I put hard work above everything else like a good American does. But now, I just shake my head, wondering why we ever lived that way.
One last thing that's changed is our relationship with the people around us. I've learned with our move abroad, that when you're not stretched to the brink, you have a lot more to give. I'm much more generous with my time and energy now than I could ever have been in our old life (and I think I was pretty generous back then, too).
Since our move, I've got deeper wells of compassion, of love, of gratitude to tap into. And when you're good to people, people are good to you.
I feel cared for and about by my community of Kiwi friends. They've got my back, and I've got theirs. We're not competing to see who can pack the most "busy" in their day, whose kids can reach that top level of perfection. (D.C. parenting sometimes felt like this.) We're not competing at all. We're helping each other, caring for each other and acting like a community should.
That feeling is something I've craved for a very long time. If I'm honest -- it's something I've been looking for since I left my small-town community so many years ago. I'm so thankful to have found it here in New Zealand. Especially on days like today when I really do need a village to make it through.
